UNISON's London Regional Committee – the Paragon of the Labour Movement

(Guest Post by my esteemed UNISON colleague, the NEC member for Skidrow-on-Sea)

"I understand that there is a point of view that, since there are an infinite number of numbers it follows that there are an infinite number of realities.

If this is so then there must be a universe in which one day the London Regional Committee of UNISON, which met this morning, will make sense and do what I tell them to do, since I am of course...their Great Leader.

Mathematically, there must be a reality in which there is a Committee which doesn't care that due to my underlings shouting, bullying, threatening and general bad behaviour, London activists haven’t wanted to attend and make quorate Regional Councils (other than its AGM) since 2005. Instead of listening to my speeches they want to go and represent their members at the workplace! How dare they!

Why do we have this paragon of labour movement virtue as a Committee instead of one that realises that led by me (as said Great Leader), the UNISON London regional committee can deliver instant worldwide revolution, universal love and the downfall of the ruling classes!!! All they have to do is just listen and follow me!

In this universe however, those who believe I am their Great Leader on Regional Committee, who just happen to have lost the last 7 elections “on the trot”, demand that the winners listen to me and my fellow losers and stand up for the right of the self important hot air Brigade, not to have functioning Regional Councils, after all, anyone who has not seen my revolutionary light are indeed sorry creatures.

We need effective and vigorous unity to confront the attacks from the Coalition Government. Such unity cannot be built on the basis that working class grass roots branch secretaries don’t do what they are ordered to by middle class derelicts. Just because in the past my followers have wreaked any chance by their appalling behaviour to arrange a quorate Regional Council (other than an AGM) in eight years. If workers won’t turn up to meetings, then what shall we do? We have no choice, we must get rid of workers!

Trade union democracy - which requires well attended decision making meetings - is not an "optional extra". But we don’t want this. What is really essential is to have pointless talking shops instead of an effective response to austerity and to the defence of workers' interests more generally. What we actually need is to call our opponents stupid, make speeches about General strikes and call for the nationalisation of the top 10,000 corner shops.

Given the infinite possibilities of the "multiverse" there must remain hope that the Regional Committee will rise to this potential occasion and cut the quorum to one male delegate, one female (no low paid)  and their cat to ensure that the revolution will now take place due to there being a quorate Regional Council after this year's AGM.

Or perhaps not.

(apologies to folk who have not a clue what this is on about)